Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Defector

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But many, many more people are not fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This 2022 Defector NFL Team Preview is for people in the latter group. Read all previews so far Here,

your team:

Looks legit.

Your 2021 record: 13-4. Perhaps no team in NFL history was better prepared to defend their title than this. They had every starter back, they played a division joke, and they had Tom Brady. But of course, the future is never guaranteed. And no one can guess that one of your star wideouts will draw his vaccination card and then sneak his way through the door in the middle of the Jets’ near-loss; Or if you’re mysteriously swept away by the Saints, including a 9-0 defeat in which Tesome Hill can’t complete its half-pass; Or if the commanders will freeze a game against you by piecing together 19 consecutive offensive plays; Or if your another, better wideout will blow up his ACL; Or if Brady will inadvertently ask Karma to meet him after he crypto-cheated one of his own fans to get back a stupid football. Normally, whenever I ask who the fucking person might be in this place, it’s rhetorical. But no, I really couldn’t have predicted that this shit would go down. I mean, I knew Antonio Brown was a bastard; I could not predict how this fact would unfold. To this day, I still can’t.

Nevertheless, the Bucs still tore through the regular season and found themselves as a two-seeded in the NFC, with only one permanently gagging Packers squad above them. It’s all too easy for Tom Brady to indulge in his particular brand of horseshoes. This was especially true when the Rams came to Tampa for the divisional round and immediately ran for a 27-3 lead. You know what a score of 2anyinteger-3 means when Tom Brady is involved. Most dangerous lead in football etc.

True to form, the Bux did nothing, and I was definitely left living through another reunion of Brady winning the One Ring and then getting all weird about it. Except that it happened…

Keep in mind that Matthew Stafford was sacked (and he stumbled!) at the start of the campaign, LA lost seven precious seconds and his only remaining time. a bad omen. Bux would clearly stop the rams, get the ball back in overtime, and never give it back again. Foam, rinse, repeat. shoot me in the balls.

I didn’t trust Tampa Bay, leaving Cooper Kupp face-to-face in the two upcoming plays; second time against A Security, which wouldn’t even bill at the end of an important football game. Sixty-four yards later, it was all over. Here now is Brady in the wake of the loss, considering his future and how to turn it into great documentary material:

brady face
“No matter where VAT is going on in my life, I can always watch Zam Swim.”

Kupp took nine catches to end the game with 183 yards. Stafford covered 386 yards. Given the Bucs’ two-minute defense, one could have gone through so much more. Who decided to lil out Antoine Winfield on Stafford’s favorite wideout on the decider?

Your coach: Bruce Ari…*** Engage Brady Fakiri Mode***

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Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images

I meant Todd Bowles! I always meant Todd Bowles! Everyone knew that succession planning was going down this spring, yes they did. You may remember Todd Bowles from that defensive feat in January, or from the time he went on to head coach the 24-40 Jets. The record seems too impressive for the Jets to appoint Adam Gase as Bowles’ successor. But it’s still a little odd that the Bux had a talented young offensive coordinator at Byron Leftwich on their staff – after the other teams were too stupid to hunt him down – and opted for a more conservative, and perhaps not alive, Bowls instead. Almost as if it was not his to make the choice in the first place. Almost like…

Your Quarterback GM: Tom Brady. The seas will rise, the sun will burn, and every last cockroach on the planet will reach its final resting place. Yet here Tom Brady will remain, engineering cursory game-winning drives, smiling like a fucking android at every press conference, and then instructing his social media team to make a funny tweet. Fox will still count on him to be his man of color in the year 5,423,876 ADQ, only to have his hopes dashed when he wins his 70 Assassin Ring. He is permanent like anything in existence, and I have learned – reluctantly, I assure you – to live with that fact.

Brady retired for 40 days this past season, as if he was celebrating Lent, when he’s already shunned 98 percent of all year-end efforts. Turns out Brady was not interested in giving up football; He was conducting an internal coup to reassign Bruce Arian to a desk job in accounting. Remember all those stories about how Ariane and Brady didn’t get along for the first half of their title season before they figured it all out and sang campfire songs together? It turns out that Brady gets along with people as long as they are useful to him. Bridget Moynahan almost certainly said as much in a statement somewhere. So up went Ariane. Bear in mind that we all found out that Brady tinkered with joining the Dolphins and becoming a vanity minority owner there. Like Tampa Bay CUCKS, Emirates?! Good one, Drew.

After installing Bowles as his puppet dictator, Brady went to training camp for a few weeks and the Bucks didn’t give a fuck. That’s because Brady plans to join the labor revolution and become the first QB in NFL history to work game days from home.

Your backups are Blaine Gabert and Kyle Trask. If anyone plays well in Brady’s place, they’ll get a shot in their mailbox the next morning.

What’s new that sucks: To cheer up Brady, the Bucs have assembled a new super team of old injured men to get him his eighth ring. Julio Jones is here! Keanu Neal is here! Akim Hicks is here! Kyle Rudolph, who was once overrated but now just awful? over here too! And Logan Ryan is here too, now as a security! Hope you enjoy covering DJ Moore alone, old man! These men will be charged with repairing the holes left by Jason Pierre-Paul, Ndamukong Suh, Jordan Whitehead, Ali Marpet, an injured Tristan Wirfs and Gronk’s departure. I believe in Gronk’s retirement as much as I believe Brady retired this spring, but the timing of this preview demands that I follow along for the time being. For real though: without Brady, Gronk is nothing. he’ll be back. He’s pretending to study the tapes as we speak.

Overall (why) there are a few more young newcomers to this roster. The Bucs drafted running back Rachad White in the third round because, in a twist, current RB1 Leonard Fournet decided to eat his contract. He also grabbed Russell Gage from the Falcons and, most importantly, traded for Shaq Mason to replace Marpet on the O-Line. Given that Mason comes here from New England, I can’t rule out the possibility of Bill Belichick planting a time bomb inside his anus before sending Mason south. You know what Belichick is capable of doing as much as I do.

The Books also drafted both Logan Hall and Luke Goedeke, whose last name I always have to look up before typing, to bolster both sides’ lines of scuffle. This team is now weaker than it was in the last two years, but still has become a barren NFC. It’s as if every conference floor the atrium with rose petals knows at some point that Brady is coming over.

What’s always sucked: The only reason the Books can win is to stop the Packers from doing so. But to be honest, I don’t need Tom Brady to make Aaron Rodgers whack his own hair. And cheering for the Tampa-area team is always wrapped in the knowledge that any title won in that part of the country will result in a Marine Republican COVID-19 orgy. So you understand my hesitation here. I don’t need Books, and ultimately I don’t.

Plus, Brady looks like Jared Kushner every day. Antonio Brown’s Hall of Fame induction should double as a secret police sting. I want see it man in arenas Even if Brady offered me a copy of the Bob Kraft handjob tape to do so.

Rat says: For those of you who like your football Brady-free, the end is near and his smoky/blonde/blah broadcast style is waiting for only a little respect from the NFL’s taste-sucking analyst training camp. Towards that end, the Glazers built a giant vomitorium of cash cow Manchester United, and will almost certainly do the same with the football team when Brady decides he wants to be the next Aaqib Talib. The slow decline of the momentarily proud franchise is already underway.

What can’t suck: Oh man wait until Brady becomes an official divorced guy. Suddenly his tweets would be drastically reduced.

Hear it from BUCS fans!


Just your annual reminder that Warren Sapp has been banned from all Best Buy.


A few years ago, my brother was really concerned about bandwagon fans as the Bucks marched toward the Super Bowl. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that, outside of New England, no one was jumping on the bandwagon so that Tom Brady could finally get the seventh ring.

Everyone is excited about Julio Jones. By the time you read this, he’ll be injured.


The man is not finished. Not by a long shot. He wagged his tail for more than 20 years and I am sure he will come back victorious. He may have a young team when he returns, but trust me: Patrick Marleau will retire at some point and play good hockey again.


Growing up in Colorado, my dad hated the Denver Broncos to the extent that I wasn’t allowed to wear blue and orange together. His “team” was anyone playing the Broncos. I was left to my own devices to find a team. I opened a pack of late ’80s football cards, saw that creamy unis, and started shouting my support for the Bux. My mother came to my room and started shouting at me. Which sealed the deal. I’ve been a fan of Books ever since.

One positive thing is that no one gives you a hard time. Usually once they find out you’re a fan of the Books, there’s just a confused pause and then we talk about football.


I expect another Super Bowl win before this team becomes irrelevant again for at least a decade. My hopes are likely to be crushed.


I’m 42 and I have a lot of stuff going on. But if I caught COVID and shared a locker room with 100 other people, I would probably tell my teammates, who would undoubtedly have a pat on my back.

On the other hand, if I were to meet with Washington officials on my extended stay at Mar-a-Lago, I might not have told them.


Don’t let the last two years fool you. The Books are and always will be the most forgotten terrible franchise in football. Brown is the least beloved loser. The Bucks are just losers.

People (me included) are convincing themselves that the Books are a destination team now, that they are a respectable franchise that people want to play for. But the fart of boxes lasts forever. The second that Brady goes to the Dolphins, owns 20% of them and by the time he turns 50, the Books will fall back into pitiable obscurity.

Glazers are worth the crap, for sure. But they’re so busy fucking up an impromptu global marketing juggernaut in Man You and #stoppingtheseal that they forget that Books exist. I bet they still think the starting QB is Mike Glennon. Bruce Arian kicks up because his Kangol hat doesn’t protect him from the Florida sun. There is a pirate ship in the stadium, which is believed to be dope. But when your team goes 5-12 every year and your beer evaporates from the heat, you need some appeal to the people you bring. I’m surprised COVID didn’t originate in locker room showers.

I have a Josh Freeman Creamsicle jersey. All because my dad watched a spring training game on vacation from upstate New York in the ’70s. Skin cancer and a history of alcoholism would fall down to two and three on the list of the worst things I would implicate from him.

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